Why can’t I speak about my memories?

Throughout my relationship, there were many times that I wanted to and occasionally did bring up a memory or two, a recollection, a comment that referred to my previous relationship and the children I have. Immediately my partner would get his back up and say ‘oh you are thinking about him now’ (meaning the father of my children).

Nothing was further from the truth.

Yes there are times when something would happen and I would recall something from my past, and I’m sorry but after 20 years with the same person, that is kind of unavoidable don’t you think?

There were conversations where I would talk about my children and something we had done with them. The problem was I would use the word ‘we’ – which meant their father and myself. I didn’t see, nor understand the problem with this, as whatever I was mentioning was about a time that was with him and our children. It’s not like I can block out that he was there, treat him like he was invisible, didn’t exist.

Everyone has a past don’t they?

He could feel free enough to talk about the past with the mother of his children. And I had no problem with that. I liked hearing about these things, because they gave me insight into things he liked to do, or talk about, almost like it helped me understand him. It also helped me understand her, so I could build a relationship with her as I was her children’s stepmother, with her children living with me.

To me, it is respectful to listen about one’s past, and their life experiences, regardless of who it was they shared them with. There would be inappropriate times to bring them up, but in general conversation it shouldn’t be a problem.

Unless you are the abuser.

Because your life is more important than the person you are controlling. That person has to suffer living their lives how you see fit. They aren’t allowed to have memories. They aren’t allowed to express them. They can’t casually comment about something on TV that would have been in their past because that meant you were thinking of another partner. No way, that person will live breathe and think only about me, and all memories are wiped.

It is a horrible feeling, to have to keep inside all your memories and experiences in relation to your past. That scares me. Because I want to be me. And that includes all of my past and how it shaped me. Now here is a situation that is reshaping everything I believed in, everything I have known, and I have to keep it all to myself, for fear that I am seen as to be thinking of someone else.

I can’t and I won’t let that happen. Neither should you. I don’t want to grieve for my memories. But I am.

 

 

 

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