Depression

Did you used to find activities like movies, picnics, outings, dinner with friends fun and exciting – but now you don’t? Are you simply not interested? Are you feeling empty inside, like there is a big hole cut through your body – a giant circle that someone could easily crawl through?

This is how I feel often, and if you are, then you are likely to be depressed. This is not really an emotion, rather a mood. A feeling that stems from deep sadness, anxiety, fear, helplessness, worthlessness, and a bunch of other emotions. These negative feelings and emotions don’t just come one at a time, they move in often all at the same time! They take residence within your thoughts and your dreams. Your behaviour is very much affected by depression and it is definitely something you cannot and should not handle on your own.

As I mentioned on my Anxiety page, I used CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) to help with my depression. Unfortunately some of the behaviours I had to sustain, often made me worse. Most of it stemmed around the feeling of being unwanted. Treated so badly by disrespectful, thoughtless behaviour that I was unable to fathom why I would deserve such treatment. I knew then, in my logical sensible business like behaviour, that I did not deserve any bad treatment, but it was the wondering of why did I get treated like that.

I am certain I have mentioned this before, if not, I will reveal it again. I have stabbed myself twice, I have cut my belly, legs and arms. I have gouged out my eyeballs – although that doesn’t really work, and I have on-purpose hit my head more than once against brick walls. I am sure I also mentioned that I tried to punch myself – which is really impossible, and while typing this I am inwardly laughing, remembering the attempt!

None of this is actually anything to laugh at.

My psychologist ran a test on me, which I did not pass with any flying colours whatsoever. It felt like 100 questions, but in reality may have been 20 or 25? It had the usual tick box entries – rarely, sometimes, neither, often, always – and of course you ticked the answer that closely matched the question. Now it wasn’t as simple as this of course. There were the sessions and the therapy results and the constant talk and the continual “and how did you feel about that” comment (well, it felt like he was saying that!), which all contributed to the assessment that I was suffering not just from anxiety and depression, but a mild case of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

After two years of therapy, and a pretty decent break from sessions, I have come a long way, and I’m heading back to the psychologist for another assessment. I am sure he will be interested in seeing how far I have come.

I stress to you all out there reading this – DO NOT prevent yourself from getting help when you need it. DO NOT put it off. We all need help sometimes, and just that first visit to your GP can help you feel at ease and start putting comfort and stability in your life because you need it.

Do it now. Empower Yourself.